David Michael Bruno

Habits of High-Potential Kids

Just a quick post. A few times recently when it's been my turn, I've rushed through our meal-time prayer. Life is so busy. You know, "Good Lord, good meat, good food, let's eat. Amen." But then my kids jump in:

"And we pray for Palavi." (The little girl in India we support through World Vision.)

"And Burundi." (We support a village through Plant with Purpose.)

"And the people who don't have a house." (We've had rain in San Diego.)

"And that Marble doesn't die." (Marble is our beta fish who's on the brink.)

And now...Consumerism Conclusion: When we live the lifestyle of American-style consumerism, we develop habits of low potential. We get in the habit of getting more stuff. Do we really want our children to aspire to...shop at Best Buy?

It is encouraging to me that our children are starting to make high-potential habits their own habits. Sure, they've heard us pray a million times over the years. And some of their prayers simply mimic ours. But now they are starting to internalize those prayers and concerns. They are forming characters that care about others more than stuff. I love it!

It's worth considering what kinds of habits we teach and reinforce in our children. The best kind (I think) are the ones that are habits that help others. They are "high-potential" habits; that is, they are habits that can change the world by blessing other people.

P.S. for tired parents. Lest our family sound too idealistic, as I wrap up the post all the kids are whining and fighting. They're good kids, but kids nonetheless.

Big Saving, Giving, Spending Kids

Our children are really impressing me these days. Was it one or two years ago? (Babe, help me out here, you know I am time blind.) Anyway, I cannot remember if it has been two years or one year.

Regardless, at some time in the recent past, Leanne implemented an allowance program with our daughters. They get their money in thirds, designated as Give, Save, Spend. Our oldest girls have totally impressed me, each saving several hundred dollars that they now have in a savings account.

As I've observed our girls, they are excited to save up their Spend money, too. They often claim they are saving it for some big purchase down the road. But not infrequently their desires change. One month they are saving for a doll. The next month they are saving for some toy. What I appreciate, though, is that they've developed the discipline of saving. They might reconsider what they are saving for, but they don't reconsider the act of saving. (I recognize that is partly because we have been making them save. And I understand that this discipline can easily disappear if not nurtured regularly. But I'm proud of their attitude. Saving is becoming part of what they want to do.)

A quick note on giving. We pretty much allow them to decide how they will use their Give money. I know some parents who do the Give, Save, Spend thing make their children give to church or some charity of the parent's choosing. What we do is to make suggestions. But they get the final say. This is part of treating children respectfully, I think. Help them make good decisions, but don't control their choices. I like giving them this freedom, too, because children are creative and generous. Our kids have come up with some cool ideas on where and how to give that I would not have thought up on my own.

Attention Kids

Kind of recovering from a ruckus night at church with dozens of 1st and 2nd grade girls. It was gym night, which really is maul-the-male-helpers night, which really means please-pay-attention-to-me night. Kids want attention.

It strikes me that many toys we buy for kids are anti-attention things. Not so much in that they destroy a child's attention span. More in that they keep us from giving children attention.

This isn't a hard-fast rule, but a good way to judge the quality of a toy purchase is: Can I give my child attention while she is playing with this toy?

Kids and Stuff Talk to Them

Yesterday I got shafted by my family, and rightfully so. I had to admit that I am a capo snob. My wife got me a perfectly fine capo for my guitar for Christmas. It's just that she bought it at Target. We were sitting around the dinner table and I had nowhere to hide.

"Why don't you like it daddy? It works just fine. Just say what's wrong with it?"

"Is the reason you don't like it because it's from Target, and you don't like Target?"

"What kind of lesson are you teaching your children?"

I had to lay it all out on the table. "I am a capo snob. Though I have no reason to think so, my capo snobbery makes me believe that a capo bought at Target is not as good as a capo bought at a music store, such as Guitar Center." Then I concluded, "You are right. I am sorry."

I plan to write more about topics like "A Daddy's Guide To His Kids Consumption." There are many practical ways to help children resist the insatiable drive of American-style consumerism. And I look forward to sharing some ideas, and hearing suggestions from you.

But the most important first step parents can take... is to talk about consumerism with their kids. Treat your children respectfully, not as babies and not as adults; treat them respectfully as children. Children are people who deserve more credit than we often give them, but still need to grow up. Talk to them about purchasing choices. Talk to them about how the most important things in life cannot be bought at the mall. Talk to them about the good and bad buying decisions you have made.

Don't allow whining and begging and frustration be the only context in which you discuss buying stuff with your kids. Instead chat about it casually. Discuss it thoughtfully. Process through the frustration of it. Laugh about it. In other words, make stuff normal.

*Really* Big Christmas Lesson

Our youngest daughter has been teaching me a lesson this Christmas. She's changed her request for Santa, and as she has modified her list, I have learned something.

I asked recently, "So what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?" And this time she replied, "That elephant and a really big candy cane."

Granted, her list has not changed much. She has been asking for "that elephant" she saw in a toy store for a couple of months. And also for several months she has wanted a candy cane. Here's the thing, she keeps getting candy canes. She got two at a birthday party the other day. She got one at church this morning. And she's gotten countless other candy canes in the last few weeks. So now for Christmas she wants a really big one.

The idea of getting a candy cane for Christmas still delights her. But other forces are at work, dulling Christmas wonder and numbing her tiny desires for modest presents under the tree. Without philosophizing or knowing why, she senses that candy canes are not as special as she has imagined. And it's true, they're not. Everything about the way Christmas is celebrated teaches kids that candy canes are not amazing. They are everywhere. They are free. They big and small and different colors and different flavors. And there are a lot of other treats and presents to upstage candy canes come Christmas time.

And yet, candy canes bring happiness to most all children, even in the midst of all the excess. Maybe that's a glimmer of Christmas light. Perhaps there's hope to not be soured by Christmas commercialism. Maybe there are sweets and gifts that we can give and receive without participating in the blah of Christmas too-much-stuff and always-want-more.